It's not working

Maybe the dosage isn't enough. Maybe it's not the right medication. But, it's not working. It's been a week and a half. It was hard to tell if the ritalin was having any effect because we were snowed in and had cabin fever. But, the kids have been out and about for several days now. I've made sure that N got exercise. His tantrums are as bad as ever. Yesterday, he destroyed books. Throwing books is fairly common for him. So far, that's the best outlet for his frustration. But, yesterday, he started ripping them. Today, he threw a framed picture and broke the glass. This afternoon, he threw his leapster and it is now broken. We just got him two games for Hannukah and he was really enjoying playing it. I'm so sad and tired and hopeless. I just want to cry. He is out of control. I am powerless over this situation, and searching and waiting for something to help is exhausting.

The search for ritalin

Friday was a really stressful day. The roads were a mess because of snow and ice. And, N had his annual check-up which I was not going to cancel. My plan was to beg to put him on meds and I didn't want to wait any longer. So, we took the bus. The boys drove me crazy. The bus is not a special thing for them since they ride it often. And, it was packed because bus service was cut in half due to the snow. And the local University (where I work and where the doctor is) stubbornly refuses to close. So, there were lots of people trying to get to work. The doctor visit was fine and she agreed with me that N is a perfect candidate for meds. However, the prescription was not easy to fill. We walked to two pharmacies, neither of which had it. I wanted to cry. Here I was, with a potential miracle cure in my hands, and I couldn't actually use it. It was so depressing. And the kids were absolutely crazy by this point. It was cold and we had to wait for the bus. They were yelling and whining. When we got on the bus, they wrestled. It was torture. When we finally got home, I turned on the DVD player. The roads had cleared by then, but the nanny couldn't make it. The local teenager, R, was available, so I hired her to watch the kids watch a movie so I could get to a pharmacy. I called ahead to make sure they had it. Of course, when I got there, they didn't have it. AAAARGH. However, we soon realized that I called a different pharmacy. So, I went there, shelled out approximately $100 and took the (potential) miracle cure home.
The first day, he had two exhausting temper tantrums, threw things, hit, kicked, etc... Not sure that its kicking in. R (the local teenager), who we love and is wonderful with N, told us that she is on a similar med and that it took about a week for it to make a difference for her. Now, we have a better understanding of why she is so good with him. Thank heaven for small miracles. I'll post an update in a week or so.

The other kid, part II

It looks like the date was a success. We had a really nice time all to ourselves and we got to talk about how much fun we had with each other. I would like to take J out on weekly dates, but the forces of nature are conspiring against me. We are snowed in and have cabin fever. The kids and I don't really like the cold or the snow. Maybe we just don't have the right gear. But, its not in our budget to buy that kind of stuff when you typically need it one or two days out of the year. Maybe next year...

The other kid

Poor J. He suffers so. My sympathy for him is low at the moment. Can you tell? He sees his little brother, N, get away with a lot of bad behaviour. J is a smart kid. He figures he'll get away with bad behaviour too. J has been performing karate moves on his little brother (and exhibiting other aggressive behaviours toward him), calling us names, using potty talk, etc... . Other than the aggression, N gets away with these things because ignoring the name calling and potty talk is the best way to get it to stop. When N gets no attention for it, he stops. Not so with J. J gets no attention for it, and he ramps it up. This is a conundrum. It's hard to discipline two kids in two completely different manners when they are in the same family. No amount of telling J that he is older and we expect better behaviour from him is helping. In fact, I think it is making it worse. I don't want to get into a cycle of punishment. Threatening to take him out of karate will back fire; I can tell that it will only infuriate him more that his little brother gets special treatment. I want J to change his attitude. But, I also realize that I need to change my attitude first. It is really hard. What I think we need is special time for the two of us, which is in short supply. So, I have decided to pick him up from school a little early this Friday so we can have a date. I will try to lavish attention on him and really enjoy his company. We love to go to the bookstore and just cuddle and read. And, I will try my hardest to not even bring up the topic of N or how hard it is to be his brother. I promise to report how this experiment goes.

A good parent teacher conference

Wow! I had the best parent teacher conference ever for N. I didn't hear about how horrible my kid is, or all the terrible things he's been doing. I heard about his progress. I heard about his strengths. We discussed appropriate responses to some of his behaviors. We talked about our short term and long term goals and the strategies to implement them. It's refreshing to be working with his caregivers and teachers instead of feeling like I am working against them and always having to advocate for N's needs. We even talked about kindergarten which is 1.5 years off. How amazing that these people can see long term and have high hopes. I am so grateful for this service and the developmental preschools. It was refreshing to talk with someone who understands N and has the experience and ability to teach him social and emotional skills. Soon, they are going to start working on interaction skills: teaching him to join play, invite others to play, share, etc...
The best part is, N has good days at school. He's not being punished all the time. He is being praised for his accomplishments, no matter how little they seem. He's learning that he is good.


Today felt like a complete confirmation that I am a good mom and that I am doing the best possible for my kid. It feels like all this work and effort is paying off. N is doing so much better now that he has a nanny and a developmental preschool. It's like night and day. He is still tough, but he seems a little different. More tolerant of frustration, less emotionally needy. He had a melt down this evening and it lasted less than 30 minutes. He even determined he was tired and needed to lie down, all on his own. That is amazing progress.

preschool pickups

Today, I picked up N from preschool. He and about 6 other kids were sitting around a table, eating snack. I asked N how his day was. N tells me a story which I could understand only parts of: he was playing outside and ended up pushing some other kid. So, I said something like: Pushing is not nice. We need to practice using our words and keeping our body to ourselves. Words can be powerful.
Then, another kid says: N pushed me today. And I responded sympathetically. Another kid says: N pushed me twice. A third kid says: N pushed me too. This continues for a while and finally another child says: N tried to choke me today.
Did I mention that this was in front of two other parents?
I can understand that the chorus of 'N pushed me' may have been the result of kids wanting to be part of the conversation. However, the addition of the choking comment is no laughing matter and I do not doubt that it happened.
We just don't know what to do with this kid. My search for a nanny is fruitless so far. I wish that a book would fall from Heaven with all the answers and a magical index that automatically opens to the page I need.
We work so hard and spend so much time thinking about how to 'deal' with N and his behavior, how to teach him, how to provide positive encouragement, etc... . N is making progress, but it is painfully slow. It's really hard to celebrate the progress he has made in light of the path he has yet to travel.

Times like these

On Saturday, my little demon broke a window. We're not exactly sure how he did it. He claims he was trying to catch a fly with a baseball bat. This baseball bat is made of foam, so we are a little perplexed. We do know the little guy is super strong, but we didn't realize he was Bam Bam strong. I received an estimate to replace the window: > $300. This is an added expense that really hurts right now. I am having a bit of anxiety over our cash flow: hiring a nanny we can not afford and fixing necessary household items that we can not afford. Whenever N does something like this, it creeps into all aspects of my life and I think about all the things that are tough right now. I know we are doing the right thing by getting a nanny for him, but doing the right thing hurts. When my pocketbook hurts, I get scared. When I get scared, I don't act rationally. I get tense, I focus inward, I don't want to be 'bothered' by anyone. I'm not as good of a mom. It filters into all aspects of my life. God, grant me the serenity ...

Get out of my head, you BITCH

OK. I've been having a running argument in my head with a bitch in my community. You know the one: She gives you nasty looks, she makes sure you know she disapproves of your parenting and your kids, etc...
Anyway, today she says to me "Do you know your son has a plate piled with brownies?" in such a tone as to convey A) I'm not properly shadowing my kid and B) 'Well of course he misbehaves, you let him eat tons of sugar.'
My reply was: "He always does that, but he only ever eats one or two."
Her reply: "What happens to the rest of the brownies?"
Me: "He doesn't eat them."
She was clearly upset over the prospect of brownies going to waste. LOL.
Look lady, I pick my battles. If I was to prevent him from doing every little thing you find objectionable, I'd be fighting all day with him. N is fiercely independent. He wants to fix his own plate so I let him. He does the same thing each week and I could care less about a few uneaten brownies. And, no, he does not eat a ton of sugar. In fact, he has a wonderful appetite and he eats all sorts of foods and loves vegetables.

Now, I am just pissed at how angry and resentful I am toward this person. I am praying for her well being and trying to remind myself that she is one of God's children, too. Eventually, the resentment will fade. She really is just an unhappy person; I just wish she wouldn't spread her unhappiness.

The search for the right nanny

So, now I am searching for a nanny. I Posted to Craig's list and sent some e-mails to other posters. Had an interview today with someone that I think would be great, but she doesn't have a car and she wants more money than we can afford. Sheesh. Feeling resentful toward N since he is the source of so much frustration. I have to put in all this time and money because of his antics. I KNOW that we will find the right nanny for him. I am trying to not obsess over the fact that the Summer will be different and we'll need someone to work longer hours. I am trying to focus on the present and what he needs now. Who knows what he'll need in a few months? It could all change anyhow.

I do have some good news. He had some tantrums - in the store and at home. And, he was able to calm down. He even noticed that he calmed down and he said 'Mommy, I calmed down.' in a very sweet voice. I gave him a high five. Of course, before he calmed down, I was hit, pinched, kicked and screamed at. I was embarrassed at the store. I always think other people think I am a terrible mom for letting my kid 'get away' with that behavior. But, they don't live with the kid and have no idea. Besides, what other people think is their private business.

Also, N has started at the developmental preschool and he seems to like it. But, he is in the honeymoon period. We'll see how it goes. He really hates his daycare and put up a fuss about going there afterward. My husband had to stay there for a while before N would actually join his class. Good grief. N takes so much energy out of us. I feel like sometimes, there's none left and I don't know how to replenish it.

Let's teach kids to play safe instead of just saying NO.

This morning, the daycare owner asked me if N played video games because N had told another kid that he was going to kill him. OK, I get that the other kid was scared. However, I am dismayed that play fighting has become a taboo. N is the ultimate decider of how he wants to play and no one can control his decisions. We can try to place limits and discourage him from play fighting at school. We can even stick him in time out. But, in the end, if N wants to play fight, he will do it. My suggestions in this case are:

1. Tell N that it is not OK to play fight at school. It is a school rule. However, this rule will probably get broken from time to time. OK, probably all the time. So, my next suggestion is a response to N breaking this rule.
2. Use this as a valuable teaching tool for the other kids. The other kids can learn how to face bullies. For instance, in this case, the other children can be taught to play along and say they have a force field so N can't hurt them. Empower the other kids!

N has a very active imagination. He plays other games, too. He likes to play mommy (or daddy). He likes to cook. He likes to play horse or cat. He plays affectionate games as well as fighting games. He is still learning how to play fight responsibly. I wish people could give him a break! We have already banned violent videos and video games. There is only so much we can do. The kid is obsessed with sword fights. Is it better to repeatedly say 'No!' or is it better to teach him to play in a way that doesn't harm others but still allows him to use his imagination regarding play fighting.

On a similar note, there are times when N refuses to hold my hand to cross the street. Insisting that he hold my hand can lead to a real battle. So, when we are crossing a quiet residential street, I remind him to look both ways and make sure it is safe to cross first. However, when we cross busy streets, he must hold my hand. Isn't it better to teach kids to be safe than to prevent them from doing what they want and fighting with them over everything?!?

Introduction

I am the powerless mother of a full fledged, pint sized, bully. Before I shock you, here are some disclaimers:
1. I love my son.
2. I may refer to him as a demon, but this is really a humorous term of endearment. I NEED to find the humour in the situation to stay sane.
3. I am venting my frustrations. There will be profanity.
4. I already see a therapist.
5. I do not want parenting advice!

OK, now that's through, here is some background. First, I was a bully. It's genetic. There's something wrong with my brain and it wasn't until I was eight years old that I realized I needed help and started to actually care about other people's feelings. I'm positive that my son, hereafter referred to as N, is on a similar track.

N has been a bully since he was conceived. I swear that I could feel him at 8 weeks gestation because he constantly moved. As he grew, I was kicked and punched without mercy. Once he was born, the kicking and punching continued. He also didn't sleep well. N liked to hit and kick me while he nursed. He also liked to bite, the little fucker. I was ecstatic when I stopped nursing him, although I continued to pump for the little ingrate.
N even got his daycare provider fired. Some random parent saw her put him in a crib a little too forcefully, or so I am told. My husband and I pleaded with them not to fire her because we were sure N probably deserved it. All to no avail. Alas, N was kicked out of this daycare before he reached 3 and a half.

As N grew, he became more aggressive. He bit, kicked, hit, punched, pulled, and exhibited an assortment of aggressive behaviours toward his fellow toddlers and teachers. Miraculously, the biting has been replace by spitting, which I consider a vast improvement.

A few months before he was kicked out of his first daycare, we had him evaluated. No surprises: he's at or below the 3rd percentile on social development and at or below the 1st percentile on emotional development (or the other way around, I forget). So he qualified to go to the public developmental preschool for 2 hours a day. For some reason, the teacher there thought he could go to 'normal' school full time and recommended a specific Montessori program. He's on the verge of getting kicked out of that one and is going back to the developmental preschool ASAP. So, now I am desperate to find a nanny we can afford.

N sees a therapist, but I am skeptical about its effectiveness. He doesn't have ADD or ADHD, which is a real shame because then we could medicate him. UPDATE: We are exploring this again. It seems the doctor is more willing to consider ADHD now that N is 4.

I'm going insane. We talk about feelings. We have books on feelings and how to make and be a friend. We know all the catch phrases: "Use your words", "hitting, kicking, (whatever) hurts", "we don't do that in this family", etc... Time outs are tough. We have to endure the time out with him in order to ensure his safety because he breaks things. Of course, keeping him safe leads to our pain.

People try to give us parenting advice ad nauseum. Like we never heard of time outs, discipline or taking toys away. I wish these people would look at my older son, J. J is an absolute angel. OK, not absolute, but when you're comparing him to N, he's got a halo.

Basically, N is a wild, out of control demon and the only thing to do is wait for that part of his brain that empathises to develop.