Thursday, February 12, 2009

Roller coaster ride

It's been a while since I've blogged and I thought I should get some more out there. N takes us on a roller coaster ride. When we hit bottom, he starts to turn and goes to the top and behaves like an angel. I just wish the variance wasn't so high. About two weeks ago, I was so depressed; N was bullying everyone, including me. I didn't want to get out of bed. I had fantasies like 'Life would be so much better if N just disappeared.' I went to see the social worker at his pediatrician. She said that as long as I'm not planning a way to make N disappear or putting him in harm's way, that my thoughts were normal. Phew, that was a relief. However, it still didn't solve the problem. She did give me referrals for child therapists and after some arguing, child psychiatrists. It seems like everyone's practice is full. I got an appointment... in March. And, it's not even for N, it's for me and K! We have to go through this all over again! Why can't the medical community discuss it amongst themselves? Why can't my therapist, N's previous therapist, N's pediatrician, and N's potential therapist discuss it and leave me and K out of this? It feels so useless to explain everything all over again and not know if this potential therapist will be the right person. Will we have to do this again and again and again?

So, I mentioned roller coaster. OK, two weekends ago, K was out of town. Me and the boys went to some friends for dinner. Both N and J behaved wonderfully. I was so proud of N. He used his words and tried to play with others. Unfortunately, he was rebuffed, but he handled it as well as I could hope. He got mad and he said 'I hate you', but he didn't throw things or physically assault anyone. I think I was hurt by it more than he was. He even earned his 'How to be a Jedi' book. Now, he talks about being a jedi. I did have to take the book away for a few days though. He was pretty awful last Friday and I told him he could get it back sooner if he behaved more like a jedi.

Monday was a low frustration tolerance day. Lots of tantrums. He behaves like a two year old when it comes to emotions. He just can't understand why he can't get his way all the time. He's also exhibiting baby like behaviours, which he never did before. He likes to cuddle up with me and snuggle, and he does it like a 9 month old. I'm not sure how to explain it. My 6 year old also snuggles with me, but in a 6 year old way. When I cuddle with N it is more like I'm protecting him and keeping him safe, the way I would hold a baby. When I cuddle with J, it's more like a hug and its reciprocated. There is a part of me that is sad that it took so long for N to allow me to hold him like that. But, I am also greatful that I get the chance and I don't want to let it go.